I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
