There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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