I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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