are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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