dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
