I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
