i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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