in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
