she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
