I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
