last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
