Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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