man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
