When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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