First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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