Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
