I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
