What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She bit a glass in half.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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