apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
