fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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