Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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