On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
