I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
this is an emotional support booty call
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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