how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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