today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
