You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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