Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
