nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
being pregnant is like rehab
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
