I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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