I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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