youre lurking in front of me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We smell like vodka and hangover
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