It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
