I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
