You left your underwear on the fireplace
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
last night I used snow as a chaser
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
