worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
