On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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