just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
