and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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