Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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