You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Too much gin, very little bucket
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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