Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
