"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
