You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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