the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
