like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
