just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
