wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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