So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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