This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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