Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
