My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
