i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
